The Place of Arbitration in Peace-making

“But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector” Matthew 18:16-17

A brother who is a businessman told me how he had felt defrauded by another brother to whom his firm had contracted jobs, but who did not deliver what had been promised. But the other brother did not agree that he had defrauded him. They did not reach an agreement.

Last week we saw how the first step to resolving differences with our brother is to “go and show him his fault, just between the two of you.”  But there are times when you have done everything to sort things out ‘just between the two of you’ and still there is no agreement. That is why the Lord says, we need to bring others in at this stage.

It is important that we understand how the Lord measures reconciliation. Notice that the Lord says ‘If he listens to you, you have won your brother over’. Reconciliation is not conditioned on the fact that the offender has changed, but rather on the fact that ‘he listens to you’ – that means that both of you have come to view the offence in the same way; he accepts his fault and you accept yours. This doesn’t mean he may not hurt you again. This is why the Lord goes on to teach in the next passage on the importance of forgiving our brother ‘seventy times seven’.

But there are occasions when the two parties are unable to come to an agreement about their differences between the two of them. Sometimes married couples find themselves in this situation. They have tried all they can to resolve their differences between themselves, without an agreement. The Lord says they need to get one or two others to help them. Since the goal is reconciliation it is advisable to bring in only those whom the other party would feel comfortable with, as having their best interest at heart, or else it would look as if you are gathering your supporters against him. And  rather choose spiritually minded believers, not worldly people, even if they are your relatives. Too many times believers make the mistake of seeking the help of those who do not fear or love the Lord, to help them sort out their conflicts, because they are ‘experts’. One dear couple told of how when their marriage was falling apart they had sought the help of a highly recommended psychologist, and after several sessions, his advice to them was to divorce.  So let it rather be spiritually mature people, who can seek the Lord’s mind and glory in the matter. Also it is crucial that by the time you involve others, you have already told your brother all of his fault ‘just between the two of you’ and that you do not bring up new issues at this point when the matter is before others. If properly done and with the right attitude, many times even the toughest issues will be sorted out by this time.

But if they are not, the Lord does not instruct us to discard that relationship, but rather to take it to our spiritual leaders in the body – the church. A believer is not supposed to take his brother to court (1 Cor. 6:1-6), instead we are to request the church leaders to serve as arbitrators between us and our brother even in big disputes where both of us have not found agreement after going through the earlier two stages. In cases where you come from two different assemblies this may involve bringing  in leaders from the two groups. But when a so-called brother will not accept what these leaders decide, then the Lord says ‘treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector’.  This does not mean we stop loving him (for we are called to love even the pagan!), but it means that we will pray for him as if he is an unbeliever, asking the Lord to cause him to yield to him. Also in such a case, if our conscience permits us, we could take him to court, if it is really necessary. Of course, if it is our spouse, it doesn’t mean we can divorce, because the Bible does not teach believers married to unbelievers to divorce.(1 Cor. 7:12 – 17)

Notice then, that it is only after the dispute has been unsuccessfully dealt with by the Church, that we are permitted to cut off fellowship with the other party. So it is wrong in any other circumstance for a believer to cut off fellowship with another.

In conclusion, George Verwer is so correct when he said, ‘Where two or three of the Lord’s people are gathered together, sooner or later there will be a mess.’  Yes things get messy in relationships, but God calls us to be peacemakers who are willing to pay the price to restore and nurture fellowship. God wants to teach us how to work out miracles through the messes of troublesome relationships.